Thursday, December 10, 2015

Trick question, Lemmy is God

Long ago and far away in the land of cheese a magical night began that was like no other.. what? Yes I am telling this story like a fairytale. When this blog was overflowing with stories of my life and adventures I wrote about this night and now that it is a mistier memory it has a beautiful snow globe effect covering it; instead of just the freezing snow that was covering the ground making me shiver my ass off as I walked uphill to the venue in Wisconsin that night.

The Rave, my trusted friend for music, shenanigans, mosh pits, underage girls (don't look at anyone just assume they are 16 and move along) and EPIC tales of adventure. On this night it was not just a simple show, it was Motorhead. Lemmy. My first time with the one and only and I was so ready to have my eardrums blasted out and be deaf for days, not speak for a week from screaming, and elbow anyone that got in my way. All while wearing my 6 inch platforms, a corset with metal rings and a skirt that had the same rings going up the sides and back that you had to be locked into and weighed about 30 pounds.The perfect little black dress for your first Motorhead Prom.

Giggling and shivering and running on snow in heels, with long blue and black wild hair I was breathless when bursting into the venue, security passed me through with no pat down, there simply wasn't any place for me to be hiding anything, the corset only cinched my waist, my top was fishnet, no one was about to search my bra even Rave security isn't that brave. People were clearing out of the main room on the first floor and I knew the opening band had finished and everything was getting ready for the main show. I don't know if I ever stopped or if I was just a black and blue bruise blur flying out onto the floor to take it all in and find my place to wait for God to grace us with his gravely voice.

Lights shined down and music played (more like dunraaarrraaarrrrbammbabamamazzrrrraarrrr than ahhhhh ooooo ahhhhhhh) and I saw my perfect spot near the base of a spiraling staircase. It was blocked off from people going up or down, and I could see so clearly because I AM FUCKING TALL IN SIX INCH HEELS MOTHERFUCKERS. It happened so fast, like going down a hill in a car and you feel a whoosh in your stomach that makes it flip and part of you wants to turn around and drive over that hill again because it's worth it to be 5 minutes late to feel that again, Motorhead was there.. the music was all around me and LEMMY was standing, feet planted, mic stand taller than him and pointed down at his face while he shouted up at it as hard and loud as he fucking can.

When I woke up.... no no no kidding. I rocked, I danced, I screamed and sang every word, and then around halfway through the night I saw them. The....cheerleaders. That's what I called them.. I supposed it could of been a lot of things, the Batman to my Joker, the Herpes to my Valtrex, the Poop in my Soup. They were there. Line dancing, beers in hand, making up little cheer dances, clueless to the songs that were being sung, these were clearly someones girlfriends set to "free range roam" so they could enjoy the show in peace. Drunk minivan moms gone wild cheering Lemmy, Get The Fuck Out Of My Way.

They stayed. The cheering and whooping and progressive bumping into me increased, as did my elbow to their backs. This was before cellphones at concerts was a thing (WHICH MEANT IT WAS A FUCKING AWESOME SHOW) and my annoyance grew. Little did I know I had an unlikely savior headed my way, Mr. Drunk Pregnant Man. Oh yeah. A Wisconsin staple. He was rocking and rolling with his not quite a mullet, not quite a comb over, definitely at risk of his water breaking, and he had a beer in each hand. He LOVED the ladies!!! He also was full of whoooooos, and cheers and swaying, OH HOLY FUCK was he swaying. I don't know what was keeping that man on his feet as he wobbled into those girls and back again as they first joked and pushed at him and then got annoyed and I was very amused watching this play out while still rocking and hoping they ALL would go away.

THIS was the moment I realized that LEMMY IS GOD. It was the last song of the night, the encore, and I hear my favorite song start to play "Killed by Death". I said to myself, please get these fuckers out of here so I can enjoy this... please...and I will TRY to be good sometimes...kind of...you know...

That was Mr. Drunk Pregnant Man's moment to shine. His wobbling had all been practice for this, I saw it coming..the beers slip from his hands, the slack look on his face, GO YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD GO, and he went full flop face plant into all three cheerleaders, taking the four to the floor right as I hear, KILLED BY DEATH.. KILLED BY DEATH!!!!

I screamed so hard, so high, so loud, I lost my voice right then. I clapped so hard my hands went numb. Security came by and shuffled them all out because they couldn't get themselves off the floor, while I jumped and shouted KILLED BY DEATH, over and over, with the biggest fuck you smile on my face. It was GLORIOUS. It was magic. It was an act of Lemmy.

Let us bow our heads.