Thursday, May 12, 2011

The life and times of my kids, circa 2008

September 12, 2008


Current mood:amused
The Lord Sir Stephen, Leader of the greatly feared Dog Army.

Last night Sir Stephen aquired the new leg armor he had sent his squire to make for him and he set out to make sure it was battle ready as any Fearless Leader would do.

He strapped on the new armor pieces, donned his chain mail shirt, leather breast place, gauntlets, his fine new leather sword belt, and full plate helmet. Then in case he might encounter any wandering dragons he placed his two handed sword in his new belt and headed out to patrol his Kingdom and stop by the house of his best squire.

On his walk he did not encounter any dragons, but he did come across two young maidens in a chariot of some sort that first passed him but then backed up and stopped and inquired if they could take photos with him. Lord Stephen, who is always gracious, complied and they went on their way, merrily.

He also came across some poor slave man sent to place unwated items at the curb, no doubt sent by his wench to do this duty. In his undergarments this poor man stood and was struck dumb by the shining armor and apperance of our Great Lord Stephen. Mercifily Lord Stephen was kind enough to saulte this poor man and wish him good evening, but so in awe was he that no words were able to pass his lips and he just stood there in his undergarments with a rolled tobacco leaf lit hanging off one of his lips.

Finally our Lord reached the desitnation of his best squire, Alex, who was greatly surprised when he came to his door to see the Lord there, in all his splendor and he invited him into his sitting room.

Then squire Alex with a raised voice queried,"Mom, did you hire a stripper??" And when his mother entered the room, our Lord did begin to dance merrily and remove one of his bracers in jest.

Oh that whacky Lord Stephen, how fortunte we are he protects us all.

September 17, 2008

I am NOT your extracurricular bitch!

Current mood:amused
My youngest son Derek is the head of his schools writing club, this is an after school activity that he has been doing since he was a freshman. He is quite good at it, but it means that there are days during the week he can't take the bus and I have to go pick him up at the school. Well this year they have started a late bus, which he could take to get home, but he does not like this late bus, because he is a picky shit. So I still go to get him, and sometimes this interferes with Steve and what he might be wanting me to take him to go do. And this has prompted Steve to change Dereks nickname from "Arrogantly Thin" to "Extracurricular Bitch".

Personally I like it. Lately my saying has been, What kind of Fuckery IS this?? ( I switched from Oh yeah Im gonna get my fuck on! Much love to NPH in Harold and Kumar). I noticed that if you combine the two, What kind of Fuckery IS this? I am NOT your extracurricular bitch! They go pretty damn well together, its sweet. So internet.

What kind of Fuckery IS this? I am NOT your extracurricular bitch!

And its going to stay that way. I am either your full time bitch with no fuckery or none at all.

December 12, 2008


Every morning I get up and take my boys to school, much like I used to do when they were little. Since the move I haven't switched addresses yet because Steve graduates in less then a month. During the Christmas break i'm going to start getting things together to make the change for Derek, but I didn't want them bouncing Steve around when he is almost finished, plus his dad lives in the district and if I needed to I would just send him to live there, he is 18 after all.

When they were little I would wait for the bus with them, or walk them to school and pick them up, as we only had one car at the time and their dad took it to work with him during the day, then he would come home, give me a kiss and I would leave to go to work all night. We did this for YEARS. So when the boys got old enough, and I moved out of their dads place and we could see the junior high from our drive way I was HAPPY to stop getting up at 7 am and standing around while they ate and made sure they brushed their teeth. It was usually a mumbled goodbye smooch, or me at the bottom of the stairs going COME ON, and they would run past me with a peck on the cheek and out the door. In senior high it has been even easier as the bus picked them up right from our driveway.

Not anymore. So every morning I am up early, standing around watching them brush their teeth like I did when they were 5 and taking them to school.

Each day we pass this little boy, I would guess that he is in 1st grade, who is just a few blocks down from us while he waits for his school bus. When we first moved in this fall he always had a parent with him, mom and dad took turns it seemed, hanging out with him until the bus came. Well now that it is cold no one is waiting there with him anymore. I mentioned to the boys how wrong that seems to me, when its sunny out sure we will make sure no one takes you, but now that its 9 outside, well buddy, your on your own.....

So each morning we look for him, and I have to say he is progressively getting braver with no parents watching him. A few days ago he was tossing snow, the other morning he had a stick and was fighting a tree to the death, and today, well today he was on the WRONG side of the street from where his bus comes.

As we came to the corner and Steve saw this he pointed and almost yelling in my ear said "LOOK AT HIM!! HE HAS RESORTED TO TOTAL ANARCHY!!!!!! "

He strongly feels that by tomorrow when we pass by, the little boy will be, as Steve put it "Poppin caps at cars".

At which point I turned to the boys and said "See? All those years of having to give me goodbye hugs in front of your friends wasn't so bad now, was it?"

It LOOKED like they both shuddered, but I am sure they were just reliving the happy memories of mom hugs in front of the school. Positive.

December 18, 2008

It will be the worst storm IN TWENTY YEARS!!!

Read that title out loud, but when you do remember that you have to say it like a little old man, maybe from a Scooby Doo cartoon and when you start it, you have to just be speaking but BY THE END, YOUR YELLING IT IN YOUR CREEPY OLD MAN VOICE! TWENTY YEARS!!!!!

Then you too can sound just like Derek, who is all of 17 years, on the way to school this morning.

Then I dropped him off, he shook his cane and me and walked uphill both ways to get into the school, barefoot,and he didn't complain, because that is the way things were back then, and he liked it, and he never complained. Kids these days, they just don't get it.

He forgot his corncob pipe in the van.

Remember where you were Jess

July 15, 2008

Raging in my head only comes at night

Current mood:aroused
I dream that I pick up the phone and it's his voice and so much anger fills me I wake with a hot rush.

I float in my sleep and dance with vampires who kiss me until the bleeding stops.

My hair matted around me like a dead girl in the water, but my eyes are still moving and watching and waiting for it to come, but I dont know what it is. Eveything has to be still, never move.

My house is a tall tower, that only witches enter and I live at the top and look down on all the little ants and then jump from the window and fly away on the breeze and it swirls around my body and I feel totally free and alive and wicked deep inside and its the warmest happy ever. I feel his arms around me and he whispers evil into my ear and I laugh and we go into the night together and the moon kisses my skin the way he kisses my lips and his jacket is wrapped around me like a cocoon. Pale and cold but he warms me so when he says my name and looks into my eyes. I have never wanted a man so much, even if he is dead. I call him William and he bites my mouth and I melt away into petals.

July 28, 2008


Current mood:distressed
Screaming in my sleep again, signs of things bubbling in my brain I need to set free. Static in my thoughts, distractions and unrest. Soon I will have to face it, speak it, let it go or it will eat me up like a venom filled candy.

August 19, 2008


Current mood:sad
Roo passed away today. My big beautiful boy was 19, which means he was about 100 cats years old. I love him, always. For the last 13 years, since I found him in my trash can, he was my rock. No matter how sad or sick I was he was there for me to snuggle and bite my eyebrows while I was sleeping.

He used to hide himself in the boys stuffed animal pile when they were little so that once they were tucked in he could come out and dance on them and nibble them to pet him. So many times I was called in because Roo was nibbling little kids to get them to wake up and love on him.

Today is a very hard day for us all and Roo will always be part of our family in our hearts.

September 3, 2008


Current mood:busy
from place to place in my head. So much to do, so much getting done. Sending love hundreds of miles to my Tricky Fancy TrickTickler while she goes though some hard times. You know you can do it, and so do I. And give that Spawn kisses from me, I don't care how many cooties he has.

Filling out job applications, can't wait to work. Looking at apartments, can't wait to move. Bouncing out of my skin to be someplace else then the place I am in. Offically lowering my meds and switching things up. Now all food smells like, well... lets just say I'm not hungry.

Dreaming good things for a change, maybe having something to work towards has changed my patterns for awhile (cross fingers) and my brain loves me a little more then it used to.

If things keep moving forward, I might have to stop calling myself depressed.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Moving Old Posts From Myspace

For about two years I posted on Myspace, I am deleting it now and moving old blogs I want to save here. So they will be popping up now an again, so I can remember what I was going through in 2008-2009. Sometimes I will post several in one chunk. Here we go kids!

July 7, 2008

It's been a bad day, and I feel accordingly. Don't mind me if I use up a little quiet time. That's what happens before the storm

July 9, 2008

You don’t get

Current mood:calm
You don't get to touch me anymore
Not in my heart, or my head, not my body.

You don't get to smell my hair, kiss my smile or lay your hand on the curve of my waist while I sleep.

You don't get to tell me what to do, who I can talk to, when I can go out, or what friends I get to have.

You don't get to care, you lost that option.

You don't get to lie to me, you don't get to hurt me and make me feel like less then a person, you can't shame me for who I am ever again.

I am free.

Are you?

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Long pause

I've been dancing with the devil again.

Changing my meds, withdrawl,new side effects, the drop that happens during the time that the old meds are out but the new ones aren't working yet.

My last grandparent passed away and I am totally ambivalent about it. My brother and I were always treated differently by her because of a long standing family feud, and she was a serious alcoholic so I had long ago made the choice to not be around her. I felt bad seeing other people so sad about her passing, but I felt completely removed from the situation. I was watching other people grieve, not sharing in it. It reminded me too much of my breakdown when I felt so out of body, and I have waited for grief to hit me, thinking maybe I was just numb. However I have come to accept the fact that I really don't have any opinion on it. She was old, sick, and drunk. Her death was an inevitable part of life and so, it is neither sad nor happy. I don't feel relief she is "at peace" nor any loss.

This gave me pause. There have been other points in my life where I guess I should of been more emotional about something, people seemed to expect sadness or anger or joy from me and what they received was a blank face and some blinking. Add the mini edge of the lip smile, like yes, I understand what you want from me, but its not going to happen.

And other times something small can happen and ALL of those emotions pour out of me at one time, really its like emotional exorcist vomit. Seriously it is the pea soup of sad, happy, angry, excited and raging in one violent explosion. People can get hurt. Or just shocked into a frozen 'deer in headlights' position.

So what is wrong with me that I can get more emotional for a happy puppy video online then someone dying or my marriage ending? I am fairly certain a therapist would say, Well you have shut yourself off to serious emotion for self preservation, or some other therapy sounding thing.

I don't think that's true. I think that I can see things coming from a long way, and I can sort of hit the pause button, watch it come in slow motion and go through all the emotions when I feel like it, so by the time I push play again, I've already dealt with it. Clearly not with everything. Some things just hit me like a 2 by 4 to the back of the head. But long term things, like my distance from a family member who never took care of themselves and their death from it was expected, handled. Leaving my husband after two years of thinking it over, done. Over it. So when everyone around me is looking and waiting for the tears or smiles, I already had them. A year ago, in a dark room, alone.

But if that is true, then how do I explain the emotional vomit, there is NO pause button on that. I think those are the moments where I didn't see something coming, had no chance to pre-process. So what does any of this mean?

I hate pea soup.