Monday, April 11, 2011

The only way out is through

I used to be a prolific blogger. No.. scratch that, I was a full out addicted blogger. Some days I would post two or three times, just little snippets of something amusing that happened, or a quick photo or two and now, clearly as you can see by my measly few posts I have drifted so far in the other direction you can see almost no resemblance to the person I am talking about.

I need to get it out,so I can go through and pop back into me.

I removed my 2+years of blogging when I had a really bad time in my life. I hurt many people, there was just nothing fun to write about, and I was losing my mind. I became this sort of separated entity where I would do things and watch from outside my head and go, Damn! did YOU just do that? And yes, yes I did. And these things, they were really awful. Truly shameful. Hurtful. The only real regrets I have in my life. I have tried to make apologies. The kind of apologies where if I could crawl on glass, sprinkled over hot coals, while ducking under razor wire to prove my deep shame and regret for the hurt I caused I would do so in an instant.

I loved someone, but I didn't love her as much as she deserved, and by wanting to make her life happier in the end the fact that I didn't have enough love to deal with the situation.. well I did very wrong by her. There isn't a way to make it up. It is just a fact. I went into things with best intentions and believing that I was going to help her to be happier and that the trepidations I felt about it would all be OK. I loved her enough to want her life to be better, I was arrogant and foolish enough to think that bringing her into MY life would make that happen. I regret this deeply. And the shame of the hurt I caused her made me pull back from blogging and exposing myself and her as well, since we both had blogs read by many of the same people and I just didn't know what to do, so I crawled under a rock.

Then I came back out of that rock, planning to marry a man I loved very much... but things were not going well in the relationship. His work, and anger. My lack of work and panic, and insecurity. I became terrified that I was going to marry someone whom I deeply loved only to watch yet another marriage fall apart and fail again and that is when I really broke.

I stepped outside myself and into a full blown mania. I kept taking further steps into this insanity and I would move out, move back in, move out, in, out, in... sometimes 3 or 4 times THE SAME DAY. I needed professional help, desperately. None of it seemed real at all. I felt like I was in a dream state, and watching all this happen from a distance, so removed that part of me felt nothing, while the other part of me crumbled and became just this frantic, constantly moving creature, who did nothing but cause more damage to her life every day. But it was ok because it wasn't ME, I was just watching it happen to that poor girl, and wow, wasn't someone going to stop her soon? PLEASE WASN'T SOMEONE GOING TO STOP HER SOON!? Because frankly, it was getting way to hard for me to watch from way up here.

No one stopped her. Finally somehow she stopped herself. I made one step too far, and suddenly there was blood on ME and it was MINE and I had done it. But how many other peoples blood was mixed in with my own? My childrens? My x fiance? My x girlfriend? My friends and family?

I moved out, for real. Into an apartment with my kids. I went into the hospital. I have tried to make amends. I went back to the hospital. I tried to make more amends. I can't forgive myself for the hurt I caused. And I can't blog for the shame. But now its time to let go of that shame and try to forgive myself. My panic disorder isn't going to ever get better if I don't take this way out and through.

I need this blog. I need this space. And if the people I hurt still read this... I really am sorry. Deep to the core in a way words or blood can never express, but I am going to let go of it now. I will always hope for forgiveness, but I am no longer going to strive for it because I can't make it happen. I am going to strive to be the kind of person who would never hurt anyone in that way again, and using all my will and hope and love try to make it so, and forgive myself when I do someday hurt someone else. I have to accept that cruelty doesn't really live in me, mistakes do.

And to live a life with no mistakes, means to live a life with no learning. I want to lean, just not at the expense of others.

This is my blog of freedom, I am giving myself permission and accepting it as the gift it is, I will wrap it in a bow, tuck it under my pillow and open it with surprise tonight as I go to bed and think, wow. How did she know exactly what I needed?