Sunday, January 23, 2011

Back to Basics

There was a time when I used to blog for fun, to capture moments of my life, stories, little adventures or things that were flat out just too hysterical to let slip into oblivion.

I stopped doing that a long time ago, for reasons I don't want to go into right now but you know something? It's TIME. I remember when my blog was something you snuck peeks at if you were working because there might be naked people randomly popping up when you least expect it, or WAY too many curse words. I remember when I was proudly branded Too Dirty For Google Ads because of the Anonymous Naked Project, and I was all HA HA TAKE THAT INTERNET AS A WHOLE! Then I might of gone all wild and crazy and said I was Kevin Bacon and Google was John Lithgow and how it was NOT going to stop me from dancing... I might have to find that old post...


This is a post about PORN! Yes oh yes, as I rub my hands together in diabolical glee, I am going back to my roots, I'M BRINGING IT BACK! This is gonna be SO WIZARD!(If you don't get that, you need to watch more Robot Chicken)

I got an email the other day asking me about the weirdest porn ever, because she just knew I would know and OH DO I KNOW! I did a post about this porn way back in the day when this blog used to be a whole lot more fun and I decided then and there that there was no better way to bring porn back to this blog, then to post about this one again. It is just THAT epic.

Once when I was a sweet young thing of maybe 22 I had a good friend and we would take turns trying to rent the weirdest porn we could find and one up each other. He was good, but I had a secret weapon. The video store happened to be close to my work, and they also happened to sell dancers costumes and often after work groups of us girls would go in there and goof off, so I had the inside scoop on the best most awful of all porno to be had in the WORLD! (Or Southern Wisconsin Region)

Still even with that, I never could of expected the crazy porno bounty that was to fall into my lap. It started like most of the bad porns do, it was made in the 1980s. Lets all just face the facts here people, not a lot of good things came out of the '80s. We had some one hit wonders, a few classic movies, that ONE dance move, and a lot of memories clouded by huge brain cell smothering clouds of Aqua Net. Oh but this, just this one movie, made the entire decade worth it.

Picture this, if you will. A young lady is innocently mixing a healthy breakfast cereal on the stove top. She is clearly looking for a good start to her morning, the all American way. How can this go wrong? I will tell you how. Because suddenly the innocent breakfast cereal COMES TO LIFE! Oh yes, the little box of Cream of Wheat is suddenly a full grown black man, in a box! Luckily for the sake of the movie, his face and his package are cut out for us to see and suddenly its not cereal she wants to eat any longer! Next thing you know, Mr. Wheat is on his back, in the box and getting the best morning BJ of HIS LIFE, you can tell its the best because he is snapping along to the music playing, keeping time. What music might this be? Well it just might be TOAST! OH SNAP, NOT "THE TOAST"???!! YES!! THAT ONE! He is rocking out, he is dancing, I believe at one point he is overcome and even joins in on the saxophone. This is a BJ having, finger snapping, toast dancing wet dream come true!

I can hear you all raising your eyebrows. This can't possibly be. There is NO WAY this movie was ever made, I must be raging on drugs, and I never saw this and then called ALL the people I had ever met in my entire life and made them watch it. But it is all true. I called them. We watched. We laughed until we cried. We shrieked in horror and then elation. We danced with the toast. THE TOAST. It was a glorious find and one my friend was NEVER able to top. Because that wasn't the only scene in the movie, oh no, there was SO much more. But for me, no matter what else they threw at me, clowns, mimes, Satan, it all came back to breakfast, the toast dancing in what can only be described as having "thrown all his inhibitions to the wind"...

And here for you all, proof. Please meet Mister Cream of Wheat and his friend, Toast. See him dance. (Link mostly safe for work sorry folks Youtube just isn't that dirty) And the name of this Epic Classic? Night Dreams. Here on IMDB for you all.

Now don't ever say that I didn't give you anything good.