Tuesday, May 10, 2011

Long pause

I've been dancing with the devil again.

Changing my meds, withdrawl,new side effects, the drop that happens during the time that the old meds are out but the new ones aren't working yet.

My last grandparent passed away and I am totally ambivalent about it. My brother and I were always treated differently by her because of a long standing family feud, and she was a serious alcoholic so I had long ago made the choice to not be around her. I felt bad seeing other people so sad about her passing, but I felt completely removed from the situation. I was watching other people grieve, not sharing in it. It reminded me too much of my breakdown when I felt so out of body, and I have waited for grief to hit me, thinking maybe I was just numb. However I have come to accept the fact that I really don't have any opinion on it. She was old, sick, and drunk. Her death was an inevitable part of life and so, it is neither sad nor happy. I don't feel relief she is "at peace" nor any loss.

This gave me pause. There have been other points in my life where I guess I should of been more emotional about something, people seemed to expect sadness or anger or joy from me and what they received was a blank face and some blinking. Add the mini edge of the lip smile, like yes, I understand what you want from me, but its not going to happen.

And other times something small can happen and ALL of those emotions pour out of me at one time, really its like emotional exorcist vomit. Seriously it is the pea soup of sad, happy, angry, excited and raging in one violent explosion. People can get hurt. Or just shocked into a frozen 'deer in headlights' position.

So what is wrong with me that I can get more emotional for a happy puppy video online then someone dying or my marriage ending? I am fairly certain a therapist would say, Well you have shut yourself off to serious emotion for self preservation, or some other therapy sounding thing.

I don't think that's true. I think that I can see things coming from a long way, and I can sort of hit the pause button, watch it come in slow motion and go through all the emotions when I feel like it, so by the time I push play again, I've already dealt with it. Clearly not with everything. Some things just hit me like a 2 by 4 to the back of the head. But long term things, like my distance from a family member who never took care of themselves and their death from it was expected, handled. Leaving my husband after two years of thinking it over, done. Over it. So when everyone around me is looking and waiting for the tears or smiles, I already had them. A year ago, in a dark room, alone.

But if that is true, then how do I explain the emotional vomit, there is NO pause button on that. I think those are the moments where I didn't see something coming, had no chance to pre-process. So what does any of this mean?

I hate pea soup.


marc said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Miss Tricky said...

Dude. Marc was all signed in on my computer.

I said it just means you're a person. A living, changing, breathing human person. And this is how you work.