September 12, 2008
The Lord Sir Stephen, Leader of the greatly feared Dog Army.
Last night Sir Stephen aquired the new leg armor he had sent his squire to make for him and he set out to make sure it was battle ready as any Fearless Leader would do.
He strapped on the new armor pieces, donned his chain mail shirt, leather breast place, gauntlets, his fine new leather sword belt, and full plate helmet. Then in case he might encounter any wandering dragons he placed his two handed sword in his new belt and headed out to patrol his Kingdom and stop by the house of his best squire.
On his walk he did not encounter any dragons, but he did come across two young maidens in a chariot of some sort that first passed him but then backed up and stopped and inquired if they could take photos with him. Lord Stephen, who is always gracious, complied and they went on their way, merrily.
He also came across some poor slave man sent to place unwated items at the curb, no doubt sent by his wench to do this duty. In his undergarments this poor man stood and was struck dumb by the shining armor and apperance of our Great Lord Stephen. Mercifily Lord Stephen was kind enough to saulte this poor man and wish him good evening, but so in awe was he that no words were able to pass his lips and he just stood there in his undergarments with a rolled tobacco leaf lit hanging off one of his lips.
Finally our Lord reached the desitnation of his best squire, Alex, who was greatly surprised when he came to his door to see the Lord there, in all his splendor and he invited him into his sitting room.
Then squire Alex with a raised voice queried,"Mom, did you hire a stripper??" And when his mother entered the room, our Lord did begin to dance merrily and remove one of his bracers in jest.
Oh that whacky Lord Stephen, how fortunte we are he protects us all.
September 17, 2008
I am NOT your extracurricular bitch!
My youngest son Derek is the head of his schools writing club, this is an after school activity that he has been doing since he was a freshman. He is quite good at it, but it means that there are days during the week he can't take the bus and I have to go pick him up at the school. Well this year they have started a late bus, which he could take to get home, but he does not like this late bus, because he is a picky shit. So I still go to get him, and sometimes this interferes with Steve and what he might be wanting me to take him to go do. And this has prompted Steve to change Dereks nickname from "Arrogantly Thin" to "Extracurricular Bitch".
Personally I like it. Lately my saying has been, What kind of Fuckery IS this?? ( I switched from Oh yeah Im gonna get my fuck on! Much love to NPH in Harold and Kumar). I noticed that if you combine the two, What kind of Fuckery IS this? I am NOT your extracurricular bitch! They go pretty damn well together, its sweet. So internet.
What kind of Fuckery IS this? I am NOT your extracurricular bitch!
And its going to stay that way. I am either your full time bitch with no fuckery or none at all.
December 12, 2008
Every morning I get up and take my boys to school, much like I used to do when they were little. Since the move I haven't switched addresses yet because Steve graduates in less then a month. During the Christmas break i'm going to start getting things together to make the change for Derek, but I didn't want them bouncing Steve around when he is almost finished, plus his dad lives in the district and if I needed to I would just send him to live there, he is 18 after all.
When they were little I would wait for the bus with them, or walk them to school and pick them up, as we only had one car at the time and their dad took it to work with him during the day, then he would come home, give me a kiss and I would leave to go to work all night. We did this for YEARS. So when the boys got old enough, and I moved out of their dads place and we could see the junior high from our drive way I was HAPPY to stop getting up at 7 am and standing around while they ate and made sure they brushed their teeth. It was usually a mumbled goodbye smooch, or me at the bottom of the stairs going COME ON, and they would run past me with a peck on the cheek and out the door. In senior high it has been even easier as the bus picked them up right from our driveway.
Not anymore. So every morning I am up early, standing around watching them brush their teeth like I did when they were 5 and taking them to school.
Each day we pass this little boy, I would guess that he is in 1st grade, who is just a few blocks down from us while he waits for his school bus. When we first moved in this fall he always had a parent with him, mom and dad took turns it seemed, hanging out with him until the bus came. Well now that it is cold no one is waiting there with him anymore. I mentioned to the boys how wrong that seems to me, when its sunny out sure we will make sure no one takes you, but now that its 9 outside, well buddy, your on your own.....
So each morning we look for him, and I have to say he is progressively getting braver with no parents watching him. A few days ago he was tossing snow, the other morning he had a stick and was fighting a tree to the death, and today, well today he was on the WRONG side of the street from where his bus comes.
As we came to the corner and Steve saw this he pointed and almost yelling in my ear said "LOOK AT HIM!! HE HAS RESORTED TO TOTAL ANARCHY!!!!!! "
He strongly feels that by tomorrow when we pass by, the little boy will be, as Steve put it "Poppin caps at cars".
At which point I turned to the boys and said "See? All those years of having to give me goodbye hugs in front of your friends wasn't so bad now, was it?"
It LOOKED like they both shuddered, but I am sure they were just reliving the happy memories of mom hugs in front of the school. Positive.
December 18, 2008
It will be the worst storm IN TWENTY YEARS!!!
Read that title out loud, but when you do remember that you have to say it like a little old man, maybe from a Scooby Doo cartoon and when you start it, you have to just be speaking but BY THE END, YOUR YELLING IT IN YOUR CREEPY OLD MAN VOICE! TWENTY YEARS!!!!!
Then you too can sound just like Derek, who is all of 17 years, on the way to school this morning.
Then I dropped him off, he shook his cane and me and walked uphill both ways to get into the school, barefoot,and he didn't complain, because that is the way things were back then, and he liked it, and he never complained. Kids these days, they just don't get it.
He forgot his corncob pipe in the van.