Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Facing up to my lies

It's time. It's past time. I've run from my blog again, and we all know that means something not good. I don't hide from myself that way unless things are not going well. And oh my darlings, have I been hiding from myself.

I re-read this blog right before I started to type this post and what a LIAR I am. It's sick how many lies I have told. Did I start listening to more music? Yes I did, I'm playing Florence and the Machine right now. I put in my Ipod shuffle to sleep, or put a cd on repeat all night and you know what? Still no sleep. I hardly sleep in my own bed anymore, the anxiety is too high. I am on the couch most of the time, usually with Buffy or some stupid movie playing to try to put me to rest, in the silence its just me and my brain and then my heart is there, pounding in my ears, and the heat is prickling my body and my breath is going out of me and then I am alone in the dark trying to fight off a panic attack. The attacks I said I wasn't going to fight, the attacks I said I would accept and become the master of... lies.

I fight them so hard. And it does no good. Its been weeks since I have left my house, and I still blow off my friends. I talk to people online, or sometimes the phone, but many times I just let it ring and never answer.

We had a couple of weeks with no net and no phone due to finances, and I felt like I was losing my mind having no contact with the outside world, and then I started to accept it, and let go of the world. That scared me even more then the idea of having multiple panic attacks each day. And oh yes, its gone there again. Hours long, I think its over, and then no, a new one springs up fresh and I spend 3 more hours in pain and fear and misery.

I lie to myself every day. I say, This Too Shall Pass. They WILL find a way to fix this mental disease that flays my mind and soul for its own amusement. My life IS NOT going to be lived this way.

But then I wake up in the middle of the night with my brain itching, a million thoughts flipping through like the worlds fastest and least coherent slide show, and my heart feeling like my skin wont be enough to keep it in my chest, and I know deep down that while I am fumbling around to swallow that pill, race to the bathroom, curl up into a ball and shake, believe that I will not swallow my tongue, and start the chanting in my head of I will be ok, that I lie.

I look at myself in the mirror and I see the lies, they sit there heavy on my face, shadows in my eyes that look like fear, and I push them back, put on some blush, and go back to my safe spot on the couch that doesn't judge me for all the lies I am going to tell myself today.

8 comments:

Miss Tricky said...

They are not lies, they are hopes.

Nick L. Odeon said...

Exactly what she said.
You WILL find an end to this, I trust in your determination. Even when it feels hopeless and like giving up, you don't, and you won't.

Jessica said...

Oh Lady, how I wish that were true. It would be nice to hope to myself everyday.

MadameD said...

Oh for goodness' sake, that last one was me. Stupid google identities.

Jessica said...

Nick, thank you. Its nice to have someone trust me when I dont trust myself. :)

Jessica said...

MadameD I was wondering, thought I had a lurker from lurktown. LOL

Madame D said...

HA! Yeah, I saw that and was all "the hell?" I figured at least it would be Nikki NotSixx, so you'd know who it was. Grrr.

Anonymous said...

I have it, too. I still suffer now, but it's better than it used to be in many ways. Because I have figured out what's causing it. It's not a disease. It's the residue from the childhood sexual abuse. It's the echo of the past. Pills can't fix that. I tried that route. The only thing that helps is to understand where it is coming from and find a safe and trustworthy person to talk about the abuse with. It has to be processed. I wish you well, Jessica. The REAL lie being told here is the one the abuser told you when he did what he did. He sent the message that you are not valuable and were not going to be kept safe from anything. I hope you can process that not being safe was THEN. And you ARE valuable. Jessica, please find a safe person and TELL.