Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Bittersweet Emotion

Why does self reflection have to be so painful? The ultimate goal as a human, as far as I can figure, is to grow and change and evolve into something better, someone better and yet in order to do this, as a species and as individuals we must suffer.

These last few weeks I have been suffering.

Now I know, I REALLY know, there are people in this world who live in terrible, torture like suffering every day and my personal experience with the word suffering doesn't compare in any way and for that I am a big whiner. I know it. My suffering is not the stuff of legends, it won't be written about in a history book, and not many people really care one way or the other about the personal things I am feeling, or my growing pains to become a better person in this world.

Yet still, for me, it is very real and something I am dealing with at this point in my life. This very strange, completely foreign, and painful time in my life.

Its been almost a month now that I have been sick, with some nasty lung infection stuff and I feel like I am choking or being suffocated nearly all time because when you combine that with asthma and humid weather, well its misery. Add a power outage to that, for 3 days, and air you could slice like cake and you have one struggling for air, very unhappy girl. My ribs, neck and back are all bruised from the coughing and struggle for air. Yes I am on antibiotics, almost done with them, did steroid treatment, double up on the asthma meds, plus using the emergency inhaler daily, many times, and still no air.

Now, mix that in with my panic disorder. Oh yeah. It really has been a joy. During the blackout I was having serious issues. No phone or lights or fans or a/c or cold drinks, no food at all actually since everything went rotten, and it gave me a lot of time to sit alone in the dark and think about just how much I rely on power and technology to help me manage this disorder.

It also gave me days of empty time to think about what my life has become, who I have become, and who I want to become. Yes I realize this has been the major theme of my return to blogging but this is the thing, its what is happening with me, and to me and around me NOW. Its all thats happening. My children are getting ready to leave home, I am not in a relationship (which is something I have almost always been in) I dont have a job (something else I always had) and now I feel like I dont have a purpose more then ever.

When I was out getting some things for the house during the big black out, Sweet Emotion came on the radio. Normally whenever Aerosmith comes on I change it because that was Tea's favorite band in the whole world, and I watched her dance to their music so many times I cant stop the flood of images of her from filling up my head and its just painful. Yes, creeping up on nearly a decade since she has passed on, and those memories still hurt. I still dream of her, of saving her from herself, or just spending time together at her house, but watching her dancing in my mind really hurts the most because it was when she was most free.

She died before she reached my age. I have let sickness nearly kill me. She would be so dissapointed in me. I am so dissapointed in me.

I thought about it a lot. I listened to that song play, and I watched her dance in my head and I came home and just thought. Things can still lay me so low, these attacks that run over me and take over my head and pull me into horrible dark places still have such power over me when I dont want them to, I fight them, I tell my brain NO NO NO so loud, its like it sneaks in and rapes my thoughts and my body. It does things to me that I dont want to happen, that I physically struggle against and yet, they come.

My whole life I have had fears of rejection, but when I was young I ignored them and just did anything I felt I needed to do for my life and stomped on everything or anyone that stood in the way of my goals. Since becoming sick, I started listening to those fears. People wont want me, im not good enough, im not smart enough, pretty enough, skinny enough, just enough of anything. I am lacking. Even re-reading that makes me sick. Makes me want to slap myself. When I was 20 I would of said, fuck that. You can do anything, just show em. SHOW THEM.

So I am sick, I cant take full breaths, I still dont have this fucking disease in my brain under control, and I am not 20. But I am also not dead. People I loved are missing from my life now, and yet they have moved on and evolved more then I have in some ways.

I need to show them. I need to just fuck the fear, face the fear, suck the fear in, and turn it out on its ass and show it. I need to embrace this changing in my life, my head, and let it come over me. Im not going to fight the attacks anymore, Im going to let them take me and ride them out and live anyway. Im not going to fear rejection I am going to say, fuck you if you dont like me, fuck you if you dont want me because I am fucking good enough. At times I am fucking awesome. And Im not dead.

Im here to show the world Im alive, Im evolving, and im done suffering. Fuck you universe, you arent the boss of me.


Miss Tricky said...

That's a good kind of make me cry....

Bucky Four-Eyes said...

Time to dust off your sequined boxing gloves. Make sure they have finger holes for ease of vicious pinching.